2014?!?

What the fuck 2014 really? Looking back at this year I don't know what to feel I went through so much pain so much loss and I'm just confused. I lost two of the best people I have ever known my grandmother which was everything to me my best friend my old wrinkly Buddha all of those things wrapped up in one. Then there was my grandfather and he helped me know what a gentleman and what is a Man. They both died in ways that we would all wish we didn't have to go through.. I was a ready say goodbye to either of them it was so sudden and I miss them every single minute of every day. Then there's my health and this year has been the worst for it was this year then I found out that I would have to deal with chronic pain every day of my life and it was the first year that I came face-to-face with several doctors telling me there's nothing they can do that this pain is just this pain and then in that there's nothing they can do. It's the worst feeling in the world and there's nothing that's helped you the medicines that they had me on made me worse I had allergic reactions I was in the hospital longer then I ended up getting pancreatitis in the heat of all of it not once but twice having complications after they removed my gallbladder. My entire life I always thought of myself as a spiritual person as somebody that understood faith itself the power that faith has the power that positive thoughts feelings emotions could have. And even after I've been through all this loss and all this pain I keep smiling and laughing because I believe if I stop I lose I won't seems like I'm losing why I feel like I'm losing against all odds I'm doing everything in my power to keep my head above water because one of the choices I had I will not quit at life I will not fail because the reality is I am not just me anymore I am us. One of the craziest things you've learned and it sounds cliché but I'm telling you is that when you go through something like this where I am handicapped you really find out who's there for you I mean I had so many close friends and I say "close" but so many close friends that I thought would be here for me especially to help me out with the simple things I don't expect him to you know part the ocean or scrub my butt but to help me with the simple things to distract me to be your friend. As for my family I never really expect them to be there for me you know why I never expected them to actually help me. Especially my mom you know looking back I took care of her my entire youth she was handicapped so I took care of her it was me and my grandmother they were always there for her always helping her and here I am in dire straits she's nowhere to be found I'm not really surprised it's not amazing to me or leaving me speechless because she's never really been there for me it's always I'm there for her when she it's convenient for her nest just the way it is that's our relationship it's one way and I except that. I mean in her eyes I should be there for her because you know that makes sense. It's funny how life works I had a friend that was like a sister to me and for complications she was out of my life and then out of nowhere she came back and I had a brother that was here and he left to put both of these people came back out of nowhere when I didn't expect them to and they've been so amazing both Jim and Jen I don't think I could've done this all without them either they're amazing friends and that's why I consider them family because they are bonded with me and how much they mean to me I would pull the stars from the sky for them both I love them so much and I'm so grateful it is because of them that they restore my faith in friends and people it is because of them that I feel loved not just my wife and my mother-in-law but them I'm so grateful for them and I love them so much and I hope they know. So here I am looking back on the year of 2014 it was shitty it tested me in all the ways could I handle great loss can I handle great pain and I'm laying here thinking of the year I hadn't and all that I've lost my job my normality my ability to get up and go and do whatever I want and go to sleep when I want all of these things I've lost and it's hard to think of what I've been. Well I tell you what I've gained is more strength when I've gained is a deeper relationship with my wife and my mother-in-law if it wasn't for these two women in my life I don't know what I would do where I would be right now because they are my everything my wife especially takes care of me she gives me hope she gives me love that keeps me going but keeps me getting up in the morning and showering and going to bed and sleeping because I get to wake upnext to her the next morning and that little bit of hope alone keeps me going keeps me fighting through the horrible bouts of pain. It's so hard because I know it's hard on her and I don't want to ever be a burden and I don't want her to be stressed out because of me I don't want her to cry because I am in pain or because she can help me I don't like feeling helpless but I don't know what I would do without her my world would crumble my kingdom would be nothing I would bejust the man with the stick swinging it at a bush when instead I am a king on the throne and aside me I have the most powerful queen. I've always thought of life that way that here we are a ruler in our small little kingdom surrounded by all of those that wish to take everything we have and I have so much loss in so much pain yet I feel I have the best of love. For all the trials and tribulations I have been through I have love I have found someone that is worth me and that I am worth loving someone that loves me unconditionally without any limit and then I can love in the same way the year of 2015 is new and exciting I can hope for a cure to take this pain away I can hope that now I've decided to go back to school thatit will distract me and give me the drive to learn of all the things I wanted to learn majoring in religious studies is exciting for me and I cannot wait. Maybe it will prepare me for what I meant to do in the future like my wife said in her blog maybe this is my secret purpose my one reason for going through all of this will be revealed to me at the end of my education or even while I'm getting it 2015 is going to be the year of moving forward with my head held high leaving the boss behind me and the memories all those great memories of being with those I loved and the memories of all this pain and how I overcame it despite the feelings of not being able to ever beat it I will not let this pain hold me down I will not let this handicap room my life I will move forward with my hand in my wife's hand we will overcome this and we will have our peace.  We deserve our happiness and despite all of these trials we will not fail we will not fall and we will not settle we will have what we want and everything that she wants I will fight claw and conquer to get it for her 2014 was the year that I want to put behind me it was so hard 2015 here we come hand-in-hand we're ready and I'm excited.

Culture Shock never fails

     So this year we took the plunge and decided after such a hard year we would go down south to be with my wife's family. Now a quick update for ya'll that didn't know my wife is Jamasian she's Jamaican,Chinese and white. In all honesty she's everything I could have ever wanted in a woman it's great. Well her dad was white his family similar to mine since they are American. Her moms side was a little harder to adjust to being that they are Jamaican. The culture shock in the beginning was really hard they do things very different then Americans and religion to Jamaicans is a big part of their life. Now I adjusted to all of this it was fascinating to me the food was amazing and music great overall I liked it ignoring the religious handicap they all had and simply avoiding trigger topics to avoid any arguments or disagreements. 

     Now we've been away for about four days now and I tell you no matter how much I think I am numb to it I still get offended. Now we all learned at four or so if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all. Well let me tell you none of them know this idea and never have tried it. From the way I like meat medium rare to my music it's all wrong and classless and blah blah. I cannot even some times I would love to just scream shut the fuck up! But then that would just elevate it to a level I am no where near ready to handle. 

     I never go out of my way to prove my culture superior to others I never really sit and think about how what I like is amazing and what everyone else likes is garbage I honestly just don't care that much. But let me tell you they do that all the time.. And I always have that moment where I'm like but you left and came here so... It obviously isn't that amazing. It's funny cause all the men in this family tend to show up to eat and hide I never really understood why until I married in. The family is very matriarchal which seemed cool but let me tell you they all just talk about how awful men are and put us down so the men get fed up and hide cause we're out numbered and it's not worth the argument. The men are all married in so white or not we don't bother cause at the end of the day we couldn't care 

less. 

     I just found myself hiding not only cause of the pain but literally every time I'm down there I get picked on or singled out and I didn't do anything.. It's soo freaking annoying. If it's not cause I'm american it's cause I'm a man and usually has nothing to do with anything just like they thrive off knit picking. I tell my wife she does nothing and when she does they just pin it on me saying I complain to much or I'm a baby lol.. It's ridiculous. I know this is really common when you marry across cultures I hear it a lot but I just had to rant on here before I get in the car and just leave them all lol! 

     The lesson of this blog is IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY SHUT THE FUCK UP. Or keep it to yourself and talk behind the people's back like Americans have for years lol.