Hurt wife unhappy life..

    It's been some time since I've last blogged and I have missed it soo much. Well for this blog im going to tell you the unfortunate story of the first time I went and created a video for YouTube. I was soo excited, planning for weeks. I decided that before I began YouTube I wanted to find something that I was very passionate about. I wanted to do something different then the other You Tubers. I love YouTube I watch it constantly and am subscribed to several of their entertainers. Well for my first video I decided that I was going to bare my soul and share my experience as a kid going through questioning myself sexually and the bi-sexual attractions that popped into my head. In the video I explained that when I was young I felt lost, I felt that there was support in the Gay community for their own and in the Straight for their own as well but when it came to Bi I felt you were alone. Explaining that my childhood was very difficult due to the fact that my mother was Narcissistic and my father was Bi-polar the one main thing they bonded on their common ground was making me miserable. It was one night I got home from spending the night at my friends house that I came into my room and found the shell of my diary but no pages.. my calender of Tyson Beckford torn to shreds and thrown about my bed.. 
I remember my heart dropping as I just sat their crying silently soo confused and angry. Without skipping a beat my mother tore into the room declaring that she "knew" my secret and that if I slipped up in any way she would expose me for the "monster" I was to my father. I was speechless.. My diary was the one outlet that I had it was the one way I could vent my aggressions my feelings, blogs like this were not popular back then and I didn't have access to a private computer. For years after this my mother on the daily basis would raid my room every time I was at school or every weekend if I was aloud to go out. My life was hell after the diary was found I was constantly afraid of my mom exposing my really only secret to my dad who in a brief description was a Harley riding body builder Mr. Straight of basher island. He always had the nastiest thing to say about anyone if he got a hint or found out someone was Bi. My mother had my in a state of constant fear up until I honestly moved away.. at 27 so that wasn't too bad.. only from 12 to 27.. Yeah.. right!?

    Well in my video I touched on this whole thing briefly mentioning the diary being found and my fear, touching on the fact that my childhood was a series of extremely difficult situations like this. This is a topic of another blog all together but growing up with mentally challenged parents is extremely hard.. 

    I went on in the blog to explain that when I met my wife 11 years ago that my views changed, it was up until I met her that I really hadn't found a girl that turned me on like she had.. she was different she was comfortable with who she was, secure and confident.. I loved it. I personally think that insecurity is one of the biggest turn offs for me. At the beginning of our relationship I told my wife that I was Bi I explained how in High School I found comfort in identifying as gay I just didn't like any woman around me and in high school. She was fine with this and accepted me for who I was. I started to explain that how with my wife I have the most comfortable relationship now in the sense that we can check our girls together and guys.. a relationship that I could only day dream of when I was young. 

    See to explain to you now why I decided to do this blog.. I have been battling with internalizing my feelings around soo many people I felt that I was silencing myself and it was taking such a toll on me. I have noticed how recently theres been a huge rise on teen suicides and most of them being gay or questioning. Being a huge YouTube watcher I have noticed that the community as a whole has had a raise in videos on coming out, lesbians and gays alike rising up and telling their stories. I noticed however a short on Bi individuals sharing their stories.. I noticed their was not really any circumstances of Bi people sharing their stories and the fact that no matter how bad it may seem it will get better. I came across the movement of the It gets better project (Itgetsbetter.org) and I have been a huge supporter in both blogs and responding to alot of the posts from people on the forms. I thought to myself if I could make a video sharing my experience with a glance into the difficult up bringing perhaps I could inspire someone..give hope to someone in need. To me if I had the chance to touch only one person and help them through the darkness and confusion of doubt and insecurity then it was well worth it. 
So after completing the video I posted it really excited with what I had made. I was soo excited, I had finally found my niche and I was going to use my own life experiences to help others. I went on to share a link on face book declaring that I was really excited and nervous to share this but I felt it was time and hoped that it would be well received. Well I was wrong.. 

    At first I got a huge burst of support from some of the people that had been my closest friends on FB some of the friends people that I haven't talked to in years. They left such uplifting comments praising me and congratulating me for making such a bold choice. They said the video was emotional and inspiring. I was overjoyed.. I had done it! Well.. on FB I had my family and my wife's family as well. Now I had thought that since I had all of them as "acquaintances" that they wouldn't see this post, just as they hadn't seen other posts I made that may have been offensive to their older more "religious" values. I was dead wrong.. They all saw it. It was within a couple hours that the violent backlash started first from my wife's family. I was an abomination for posting such disgusting private information for the world to see.. I was now the enemy. After 11 years of earning a place at my wife's side, her husband I was now the topic of discussion the filth of the universe. My wife received several messages about how could she possibly be with me? She seriously needs to rethink her life and make a better decision not involving me.. that they weren't asking for 1 & 1/2 daughters when my wife married me. They wrecked me.. after everything I have done for them through the years all the time I spent getting to know them and in one night I turned myself from the funny big guy to the abomination. My wife was soo upset she was crying and my heart broke.. I would never in a million years want to hurt my wife I have spent the last 11 years doing everything I could to make her life whole I would go to the ends of the universe and tear the stars from the sky just to see her smile. Now because of me her relationships with her family are in peril mine..destroyed. 

    I decided I would go ahead and delete the FB post despite the overwhelming support from my friends on FB I figured I would just delete it. So I did that.. then the next morning came and I woke to another flurry of messages this time from my side of the family. Now the funny and ironic thing is that the response wasn't about how they were disgusted with me being Bi.. nope that wasn't it.. it was that how could I dare to expose that my parents had mental problems to the world? How could I say that my father was Bi-polar after his mom.. my grandmother of whom was my closest friend and my most loved family member died about a month ago. Again I was speechless.. I never set out to hurt him.. this whole experience wasn't about them. It was about me, what I went through and how I learned to overcome it. I decided to reply apologizing and admitting fault that this was intended to be private and posted by accident. Now with my family the situation is way different in the fact that I really have no relationships with them. To touch on yet another blog I am intending on posting I recently have been diagnosed with chronic back pain. I had to resign from my job of 7 years of which I worked myself up from the bottom to eventually the Operations Manager. While it was challenging I loved my job and was soo sad to step away from the small legacy that I built in the time I was there. I had long term disability which is about 60% of my income so that's what we've had to live off of. Not to get into this now its been a huge challenge and weighed heavily on my wife and I. In the 9 months I've been handicapped I've gotten little to no support from my family at all. They haven't come around to help take me to the Dr. or even bring me ginger ale when I had one of the countless allergic reactions to my medicines. So the relationships with them don't matter to me. 
However.. the relationship with my mother in law I do honor and love. Now I am faced with the fact that she hates me and all her values say that I am a bad person. I immediately sent a text explaining why I made the blog and apologizing for the fact that I offended her side of the family and that despite my views I am the same person.. the head of my household and still her son in law! I haven't heard back from her at the end of the day this isnt about her not forgiving me you cant forgive a person for who they are thats foolish it comes down to her accepting me or not.. that's the difficult part. 

    At the end of all this I am faced with the inevitability that I may have to see the end of some relationships whether I want to or not. I know that my wife and I can handle anything and while we are both set a back from this reaction and hurt in our own way that we stand firmly against any that challenge us. We are one unit.. if these relationships end we will have to mourn their loss and move on. 

    I just wanted to share my feelings.. instead I have created a tide of which I could have never seen pulling me towards the depths. I would never intentionally set out to ruin the relationship with my wife and her mother I know they are closer then close and best friends. I have put such a strain on their relationship and in response to this I went out of my way deleting the video from Facebook and YouTube. I apologized for something that I feel in all honesty I should never feel bad for being and that's myself. I never have apologized for being truthful or being myself.. but here I am . 

    So my friends I'm standing her with pieces of my life scattered on the floor before me and her family reaching for them throwing them at me in the intention of hurting me and hurting us.. and I just don't know. 

    I am Michael only son of a crazy home and husband to the woman I could only dream of. I am Bi-sexual and have been since I was 12 years old. This doesn't make me less of a man, it doesn't make me weak. It is who I am and I will never again apologize for who I am. I know now the error of my ways.. I regret posting it in a forum of which they could see it.. I regret creating more drama for my wife we already have had our lives turned upside down.. but I love her and she loves me and I have no doubt we will deal with this however the pieces finally settle. 

    The one constant in life is love, once you fall into it its amazing how it cultivates.. growing around you in this beautiful creature that you and the person you love only build upon. We sit now atop our thrones in the kingdom we've built and at our gates the enemy knocks. The enemy though is from within.. sure as the king of my own kingdom I could strike back eliminating the threat emotionally however I would never do anything that hurt my Queen. She is my everything.. I will stand tall and defend what we have built. I will not let any of these people grasping to their old beliefs or their religions hurt us. Love will prevail..